CONTROL YOUR HALO: How to choose the right lover, friend, doctor and plumber

In the last post, I explained how the Halo Effect occurs when a potential partner has one or two important traits you value. You become so excited to find these traits that you assume the presence of other characteristics.

“He has an impressive butt and a bedazzling smile so he must also have all the other characteristics I want in a partner.”

Today, let’s straighten your halo to reveal four errors resulting in poor relationship choices. Straighten out these halo twists and you’ll find the right people for you.

THE FOUR HALO TWISTS

  1. GOOD LOOKS OR A GREAT PERSONALITY?

Which are more important—physical characteristics or personality? I know you answered personality because you strive for political correctness, but before you own that answer, ask yourself another question: Do you assume personality traits from physical attributes?

I’m sure you’ve heard some of myths about body parts and intelligence:

“If he’s good looking, he’s intelligent; but if he’s outrageously good looking, he’s shallow and stupid.”

“Gals with mammoth mammaries are not as bright as their less endowed sisters.”

“Bald men are better lovers than their head-full-of-hair-brothers.”
“Red-heads have quick tempers.”

Most say they favor personality over good looks, but research shows that attractive men and women are more frequently asked for dates than others rated as not so attractive but having a good personality. How could this be when most preferred positive personality traits over looks?

Research on this topic is clear. Attractive people are rated as smarter, healthier, more desirable, and more sociable than less attractive people.

Even breast size suggests personality traits to some. Large breasted women are rated as unintelligent, medium sized as most attractive and are liked the best, and small sized are rated as bright and modest.

2. THE DEVIL EFFECT
The devil effect is the reverse of the halo where a past negative experience clouds your perception.

“My first husband had eyes that were too close together. He turned out to be a jerk so now I have a negative feeling toward everyone I meet with close-set eyes.”

“My mother had dirty blonde hair. She’s manipulative, so I tend to be suspicious of dark blonde women.”

3. PHANTOM SKILLS

Let’s bend the halo to another perspective. Some attribute a certain skill set from a personality characteristic.

“His bedside manner is amazing so he must be the best doctor ever.”

“She’s the friendliest plumber I ever met, so she must be better than the no smile one I have now.”

“The kindergarten teacher is friendly to the parents so he must be an exceptional teacher.”

4. THE MYTH OF JUST LIKE ME

A final twist of the halo tells us that others with characteristics similar to our own must be good people. Related to this idea is the opposite attribution where we tend to be suspicious of traits we perceive as different from our own.

“She’s from a town close to my hometown in South Carolina so she must be trustworthy.”

“Because he went to the same college as me, he has to be ethical.”

“She’s from New York so she could never understand a Texan.”

TAKE A MOMENT to REMOVE YOUR ASSUMPTION FILTER

  In answering the question of Good Looks vs. Personality, think about whether you have linked physical attributes to personality. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment by assuming traits that may not be present.

 On the other hand, if you are rejecting others due to the Devil Effect, perhaps you are missing out.

 If you are assuming Phantom Skills based on personality, you may be surprised at the outcome of your surgery or your leaky sink.

 Remember those who have some Just Like Me characteristics do not automatically have the same values and interests as you do.

 Better to look at others without the assumption filter. You’ll see the real person, not someone you imagined. This is true in picking lovers, friends, plumbers and doctors.

Will Love and Great Sex Guarantee Intimacy?

topic: intimacy ___________________________

Can You Be Intimate Without Sex Or Love?

Although the words love, sex, and intimacy are often used interchangeably, confusion between the behaviors results in heartache and communication failure. You’ll see this confusion in the following three situations:

1. Having sex to find intimacy

Great sex can occur independently of love or intimacy, but if you are looking for a long-term relationship you’ll need more than sex. Individuals who engage in serial sex admit that they are seeking  a connection  they never find. The more sex they have the lonelier they feel.

2. Feeling love for another and believing it’s intimate

No matter how strong your love, intimacy is lacking if the love is not returned. Intimacy must be mutual. Some interpret unrequited or one-way love as destiny and delude themselves about the other’s feelings.

3. Desiring intimacy without sex

Intimacy without sex is what many desire in a friendship or at times in a romantic relationship.  Problems occur when the desire is not communicated to a partner who expects that sexual closeness will follow intimacy.

Intimacy describes the relationship of love, whether it be a close friendship or a romantic connection. Romantic love can navigate a one-way street, but the mutuality of intimacy occurs when love travels both ways.

If  you have ever had  loving feelings toward family, friends, or past romantic partners, you have the  ability to improve your navigation of the two-way street of intimacy.

In the next post let’s look at three key points to help you do your part in building an intimate relationship.

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For more on relationships, link to my book: Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

You’ll find tons of good information to help you Win at Love.

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com

Stop by anytime. Be sure to leave a comment and maybe  a suggestion.
Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: FINDING INTIMACY

topic—intimacy

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Q Dear Dr. B,
When I’m interested in getting to know someone better, I’m never sure if I am being too pushy or not pushy enough. I’ve been accused of both. Are there some guidelines to move a relationship forward to intimacy? I feel like I’m trying to build a house without the right tools.

Guy In Need of a Tool

A Not only do I have a tool for you—I have two! The first tool is time and the second is privacy. Without these tools, intimacy cannot develop. Let’s consider the time tool first and in the next post we’ll look at the tool of privacy. Although Guy in Need of a Tool is asking about a dating situation these tools are also essential to a long-term relationship so I’ve made a few comments on time as a factor in relationship problems for both new and advanced relationships.
THE TIME TOOL

In the beginning of a friendship or romantic relationship, one person offers to get together for a specific period of time. These offers of time ideally start small and increase slowly, giving the couple step-by-step opportunities to learn about each other. Adam invites Eva to a movie, a relatively small time period as compared to inviting her to a weekend at his parents’ lake cabin. Coffee at Starbucks offers an even smaller time commitment. If initial offers are large, like the weekend, the invited one may feel pushed into greater intimacy than desired. In a more advanced relationship, with a greater comfort level, the invited typically welcomes the offer.
 
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? So, how do people screw up this simple concept?  Screw ups occur by going to one of two extremes: under use and over use.

Under Use of Time:

I’m remembering a pleasant and attractive student in his fifth year of his CPA program. Needless to say he was busy. Gerald–fictitious name but real person–came to counseling distraught and perplexed at what had happened. He said, “I was dating this girl and thought everything was good. She understood that I was busy–at least I thought she did. I hadn’t seen her for six weeks or so—she says three months. I thought she was my girlfriend and even had her on my  profile. When I did call her to make plans, she forgot that I was her boyfriend and was dating someone else.”

Under use can also occur in long-term relationships where couples ignore the need to spend time with their partner. Intimacy suffers as each grows distant. If the shoe fits, pull out the Time Tool and craft up a fun activity to do together. For you retired couples, note that being together in different parts of the house does not count as time together. You need time alone but you also need time together.
 
Over Use of Time:

Cody—fictitious name but real person—asks every woman he meets, and for whom he has a spark, to go away with him for the week end. He said, “ I want them to know that I’m attracted to them  and willing to spend some money to show them a good time.” When I confronted him on his expectations, he denied that he expected anything in return. Few women took him up on his offer. The time factor was too great for a beginning dating situation. Also, the women didn’t know him well enough and felt uncomfortable and perhaps even feared for their safety.

Whether it is friendship or romance, always start with small amounts of time and increase slowly.
Next time we’ll look at the second tool to develop intimacy—privacy.
With a little practice and the right information you too can win at love!
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Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B