Free book promo Thurs 7/25 and Fri 7/26

 Especially for Singles

I wanted to let you know that I have a special Kindle promotion  coming up.  My newest book (non-fiction, self-help, relationships) will be available for free.

Free today 07/25/13 and Friday 07/26/13

”The Science of Finding Love That Lasts”

If you get a chance to read it, I’d appreciate an Amazon review. By the way, all authors you read appreciate your reviews because they quickly push a book up in the ratings, which results in better sales.

Be sure to share with your  friends so they can take advantage of the free days.

“A comprehensive and practical book for anyone seeking a healthy, fulfilling relationship.” — Page Lacey Heisser, Ph.D. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist “

Tip 2: How To Make It Easier For Your Partner To Support You

Tip 1: Complimenting Others Will Change Your Outlook on Relationships

Right now, today, begin to look for and then compliment the gifts you see in others. It will change your entire outlook on friendships and relationships. Give yourself and the other person the respect of identifying and complimenting their intrinsic assets, not the ones you hope they have, but the ones they actually have.

Today’s tip comes from The Science of Finding Love That Lasts,  by Dr. B, and available on Amazon, Kindle, and most other eReaders.

 

_______________________________

For more tips and articles on relationships check out my blog at Totally Win at Love: Smart Talk About Sex and Relationships

Ten Signs You Are With a Narcissist

 Here’s a great article from eHarmony; however, I’m adding a #11 to the list. If you break off a relationship with a narcissist, you will suffer negative consequences. Why? To narcissists, others are an extension of themselves, not distinct and separate individuals. When you leave, it’s as though you amputated one of their limbs. Consequently, they will perform amazing feats of manipulation to keep you as part of their identity.

Ten Signs You Are With a Narcissist

By eHarmony Staff

---

Are you falling in love with someone who is too in love with themselves to love you back? Here are 10 signs you’re with a narcissist:

1. He exaggerates his achievements. Sure, we all want tend to upsell our accomplishments from time to time. But if your date can’t talk about his life without dropping plenty of superlatives and turning every milestone into a bragging moment, his main concern is making himself look good, not presenting himself honestly.
2. She’s preoccupied with fantasies of ridiculous success, money and power, and she seeks applause for a living. A narcissist needs to be the best – and in the limelight; she desires constant affirmation and to be the envy of others.
3. He’s envious of others. A narcissist is constantly (and often condescendingly) comparing himself and his achievements against those of his rivals. He won’t be happy until he’s number one.
4. She only wants to do what she wants to do, and does everything on her terms. Good luck trying to choose which movie to see on Friday night. Her choice will always win.
5. Every conflict is your fault. In times of conflict, disappointment or hurt, he gets angry instead of sad. He can’t take responsibility for his own actions, so blames everything on you.
6. The rules don’t apply to your date. Your significant other has no problem cheating on taxes, in the workplace, or on you.
7. She’s not dependable. A narcissist is too self-preoccupied to be there for you.
8. When you speak up about your needs, he gets defensive or dismissive. A narcissist puts himself first and will disregard your feelings if they inconvenience him or make him feel uncomfortable.
9. She has a sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectations. Arrogance and haughtiness are attitudes often associated with narcissism. Does she expect to be treated like royalty under all circumstances? Does he expect sex in return for a fancy dinner because he deserves it? Run.
10.  When tough times come, he says goodbye. His words may be charming, but he can’t back up his promises with actual commitment.  Have you dated a narcissist? What was the experience like? Learn more about narcissistic personality disorders.

CONTROL YOUR HALO: How to choose the right lover, friend, doctor and plumber

In the last post, I explained how the Halo Effect occurs when a potential partner has one or two important traits you value. You become so excited to find these traits that you assume the presence of other characteristics.

“He has an impressive butt and a bedazzling smile so he must also have all the other characteristics I want in a partner.”

Today, let’s straighten your halo to reveal four errors resulting in poor relationship choices. Straighten out these halo twists and you’ll find the right people for you.

THE FOUR HALO TWISTS

  1. GOOD LOOKS OR A GREAT PERSONALITY?

Which are more important—physical characteristics or personality? I know you answered personality because you strive for political correctness, but before you own that answer, ask yourself another question: Do you assume personality traits from physical attributes?

I’m sure you’ve heard some of myths about body parts and intelligence:

“If he’s good looking, he’s intelligent; but if he’s outrageously good looking, he’s shallow and stupid.”

“Gals with mammoth mammaries are not as bright as their less endowed sisters.”

“Bald men are better lovers than their head-full-of-hair-brothers.”
“Red-heads have quick tempers.”

Most say they favor personality over good looks, but research shows that attractive men and women are more frequently asked for dates than others rated as not so attractive but having a good personality. How could this be when most preferred positive personality traits over looks?

Research on this topic is clear. Attractive people are rated as smarter, healthier, more desirable, and more sociable than less attractive people.

Even breast size suggests personality traits to some. Large breasted women are rated as unintelligent, medium sized as most attractive and are liked the best, and small sized are rated as bright and modest.

2. THE DEVIL EFFECT
The devil effect is the reverse of the halo where a past negative experience clouds your perception.

“My first husband had eyes that were too close together. He turned out to be a jerk so now I have a negative feeling toward everyone I meet with close-set eyes.”

“My mother had dirty blonde hair. She’s manipulative, so I tend to be suspicious of dark blonde women.”

3. PHANTOM SKILLS

Let’s bend the halo to another perspective. Some attribute a certain skill set from a personality characteristic.

“His bedside manner is amazing so he must be the best doctor ever.”

“She’s the friendliest plumber I ever met, so she must be better than the no smile one I have now.”

“The kindergarten teacher is friendly to the parents so he must be an exceptional teacher.”

4. THE MYTH OF JUST LIKE ME

A final twist of the halo tells us that others with characteristics similar to our own must be good people. Related to this idea is the opposite attribution where we tend to be suspicious of traits we perceive as different from our own.

“She’s from a town close to my hometown in South Carolina so she must be trustworthy.”

“Because he went to the same college as me, he has to be ethical.”

“She’s from New York so she could never understand a Texan.”

TAKE A MOMENT to REMOVE YOUR ASSUMPTION FILTER

  In answering the question of Good Looks vs. Personality, think about whether you have linked physical attributes to personality. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment by assuming traits that may not be present.

 On the other hand, if you are rejecting others due to the Devil Effect, perhaps you are missing out.

 If you are assuming Phantom Skills based on personality, you may be surprised at the outcome of your surgery or your leaky sink.

 Remember those who have some Just Like Me characteristics do not automatically have the same values and interests as you do.

 Better to look at others without the assumption filter. You’ll see the real person, not someone you imagined. This is true in picking lovers, friends, plumbers and doctors.

THE HALO EFFECT: Causes Millions to Choose the Wrong Partner

From the minute Logan set eyes on Tom, his football player butt and piano keys smile drew her to him. Earlier thoughts of preferring a man who was attractive but also was thoughtful, valued family and education flew from her memory like runaway pages from a broken printer.

For you, what characteristics in a potential partner cause sparks to ignite and fan the feelings of attraction into a blaze that turns your self-awareness to ash? Although most of us have an idealized image of those special characteristics we desire in a partner, we many times fail to define the characteristics and give little thought to priorities.

Research tells us that characteristics important to both men and women are attractive build, mind of his or her own, sense of humor, of the same religion, and simple rather than sophisticated. How many of these characteristics are on your list, but escape from memory when a vivid characteristic or two leaps to the forefront?

We find more information when we break them down by sex:

Men’s Concept of the Ideal Woman:

Intelligent, good parent potential, can suffer in silence, even-tempered and calm, someone who needs you, athletic or active

Women’s Concept of the Ideal Man:

Ambitious, hard-working, intellectual, appreciates her independence, sensitive to her emotions, emotionally strong, likes art, music, books and is friendly and affectionate

Who wouldn’t fall in love with someone who meets those criteria? Regrettably, these features are idealized and unrealistic. Most men want a gal who suffers in silence and needs him, while women want a man who appreciates her independence. How many independent women will agree to suffer in silence?

What to Expect from Your Halo

How can intelligent men and women forego long held values for butts and smiles? Here’s how it works. When we see a few of the traits we crave, we call into operation The Halo Effect. In the “halo effect” we find a few traits from our ideal list and then pretend the rest are present.

If he has a tight ass and a great smile, he surely is warm, intellectual and sensitive to my emotions.

If she needs me, she must be intelligent and also willing to suffer in silence.

When we finally realize our error, we react with anger and disappointment as we watch another potential relationship circle the drain. We leave the relationship and search again.

Three tips to help you in your next dating adventure:
1. Have a clear idea of which traits are essential.
2. Avoid the Halo Effect.
3. Be open to new positive traits that are unique to that person.

Three Steps to Intimacy

______________________________________________________

Do Your Part

  Intimacy is the love link between two people, but it is also a good deal more. If you desire a passionate and loving long-term relationship, you must do your part in contributing to the artful balance required in achieving and maintaining an intimate relationship. Let’s look at the truth about intimacy and the three requirements you must meet to get it.

Think Of Intimacy as a Three-Legged Stool

 Intimacy is defined as a non-defended and reciprocal interaction about significant emotional events. If this academic definition sits a little heavy on your brain, let’s pull up a stool and examine each leg to better understand the foundations of intimacy. When perched on your stool, you need three sturdy legs to keep you from falling. If you find yourself with one loose or missing leg, you have to spend time and energy keeping your balance.

 Relationships are the same. To prevent yourself from wobbling around and ultimately falling on your butt, you must acquire and keep in good repair, the following three legs:

        1. No Defense Required, names the first leg of your stool. In close family, friendships or romantic relationships, individuals can talk about anything without feeling defensive. No topic is out of bounds. No protection is needed. When defensive shields are lowered, positive energies flow between the two. Raised shields block the energies, stifling any hope of intimacy.

 2. Give and ­Take­, the second leg of your stool, represents a reciprocal or shared communication where each person is a full and willing participant. One person shares a personal experience or thought with emotional meaning; the other does the same. Many times the intimate communications reflect meaningful experiences shared by the two.

Give and Take easily navigates the two-way street of intimacy. If you are the only one sharing, you could be going the wrong way on a one-way street.

   3. Express Feelings, the third leg of the stool, refers to talking about emotional experiences and conversations. In short, this means sharing feelings. Communicating about feelings – not just reporting, requesting, social chit-chatting or problem-solving – is essential to achieving intimacy. When you can communicate without defensiveness, both give and take, and are willing to express your true feelings, you have tapped into your relationship potential.       _________________________

For more on relationships, link to my book: Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

You’ll find tons of good information to help you Win at Love.

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Will Love and Great Sex Guarantee Intimacy?

topic: intimacy ___________________________

Can You Be Intimate Without Sex Or Love?

Although the words love, sex, and intimacy are often used interchangeably, confusion between the behaviors results in heartache and communication failure. You’ll see this confusion in the following three situations:

1. Having sex to find intimacy

Great sex can occur independently of love or intimacy, but if you are looking for a long-term relationship you’ll need more than sex. Individuals who engage in serial sex admit that they are seeking  a connection  they never find. The more sex they have the lonelier they feel.

2. Feeling love for another and believing it’s intimate

No matter how strong your love, intimacy is lacking if the love is not returned. Intimacy must be mutual. Some interpret unrequited or one-way love as destiny and delude themselves about the other’s feelings.

3. Desiring intimacy without sex

Intimacy without sex is what many desire in a friendship or at times in a romantic relationship.  Problems occur when the desire is not communicated to a partner who expects that sexual closeness will follow intimacy.

Intimacy describes the relationship of love, whether it be a close friendship or a romantic connection. Romantic love can navigate a one-way street, but the mutuality of intimacy occurs when love travels both ways.

If  you have ever had  loving feelings toward family, friends, or past romantic partners, you have the  ability to improve your navigation of the two-way street of intimacy.

In the next post let’s look at three key points to help you do your part in building an intimate relationship.

_________
For more on relationships, link to my book: Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

You’ll find tons of good information to help you Win at Love.

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com

Stop by anytime. Be sure to leave a comment and maybe  a suggestion.
Dr. B

Male Menopause

  Male Menopause or Grumpy Old Man?

Is your once happy and agreeable husband turning into a cantankerous and testy old man? When this happens to your guy—and it will happen—you’ll stay awake at night trying to decide if you should accept his irritability and complaining as a normal part of aging, bang him with the frying pan, or haul him to the doctor for treatment. Let’s look at a few facts to help you in your decision.

Does Male Menopause Exist

No mattet it is most often referred to as testosterone or androgen deficiency. I find men respond best to the term low hormone rather than deficiency. Men are open to the term low—low oil, low on gas—which implies that something can be done to correct the situation.

 Many lay people use the term male menopause because of its similarity to female menopause, but it is a quite different process for men, which is why the term has not gained medical acceptance. The condition, however, is definitely accepted by the medical community.

    Difference in Male and Female Menopause

For women, ovulation ends and hormones drop rapidly resulting in obvious symptoms for most. Men, however, experience a gradual drop in hormone that could take years to show symptoms. Testosterone tends to drop at about 1% a year after age 30 causing a man of 70 to expect as much as a 50% decline. Therefor a slowly increasing level of irritability and depression may not be as noticeable. Also, men do not have the fading menstrual cycle to alert them to a change. Hot flashes, a hallmark symptom in women, are not usual in men.

                                Symptoms

Look for symptoms that have slowly increased in frequency and intensity:

Psychological: irritability, depression, lack of confidence, poor concentration, poor memory

Physical: higher body fat, reduced muscle mass, decrease in bone density, decrease in body hair, swollen or tender breasts, low energy

Sleep disturbance: insomnia or sleeping too much. Note that a common sleep disturbance for a depressed individual is to fall asleep quickly, but awaken after a few hours. Also, sleep disturbance in older men may be difficult to assess due to prostate problems requiring frequent trip to the bathroom throughout the night.

Sexual changes: reduction in size of testicles, low desire, progressive erectile dysfunction. Note that men prefer to think of their erections as not being as firm as they once were rather than having erectile dysfunction. It’s the same as we women preferring to think about orgasms taking longer and being less intense rather than thinking we have orgasmic dysfunction.

Treatment

 

Symptoms require a medical checkup to see if low testosterone is the cause or if another condition such as low thyroid, diabetes, depression or medication side effects could be at play.

• Testosterone replacement, for many men, results in a lifting of depression and irritability, higher confidence, increased sexual desire and performance, and improvement in sleep. The benefits, however, decrease with advancing age. Testosterone replacement is controversial due to possibly increasing the risk of prostate cancer. Talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits.

• Sexuality treatment presents a wide range of options from pills to implants to help with erections.

• Depression and sleep problems can be treated with a nutritious diet and regular exercise. In some cases medication is an important part of the treatment.

• Low muscle mass and bone density are treated with weight bearing exercise and, for some, medication for osteoporosis.

Do not buy into the grumpy old man syndrome. Explain the effects of low hormone to your fella and encourage him to seek treatment for his symptoms. Go to the doctor with him and let him know that you are there for him just as he was, or will be, when you faced menopause.

In the old days, women’s medical needs associated with menopause were ignored and were even the fodder for jokes. As a young girl I remember my grandmother talking in a whisper about “the change.” Speak up about low male hormone and help him get the treatment he deserves.

You may also like to read:

Male Menopause: Myth or Reality

Manopause: When middle-aged men go through menopause

________________________

 

You Can Heal from an Affair

          Q My husband had an affair with his secretary—I know, how clichéd can you get? I was furious at first– I’m no Holly Petraeus– but we talked it out, made some changes and we are improving our relationship. We know each other better as human beings and we are both upfront about our needs, likes and dislikes. I forgave him and put the incident in the past. But, there is one thing I can’t get out of my mind. How can I trust him to never cheat again? I’m ashamed to say I still check up on him. I haven’t found anything suspicious, but I can’t trust him. I don’t want my lack of trust to ruin what we’ve worked so hard to maintain. How can I believe him when he says he will never again cheat on me?

 

    A   Congratulations to both of you for working through the affair and coming out the other side stronger and still together. The “How can I trust him?” question faces everyone whose partner had an extramarital affair and is one of the main reasons for divorce. The other question pressing for an answer is “How can I commit to someone who has betrayed me?”  Let’s find answers to both questions:    

 

 

COMMITMENT

 

  Think about the commitment you had before the affair and the one you have now. Sexual fidelity is important to a relationship, but many couples marry with little thought of the meaning of commitment beyond infidelity or adultery. Before an affair, many find they are committed to jobs, mortgages, children, and the social institution of marriage to name a few– all things outside of the couple. With all these commitments and responsibilities they can lose sight of each other and look elsewhere for attention, support and intimacy.  

 

 

   After an affair, couples who work it out discover a deeper and more personal sense of commitment than they had before. “Working it out” is a talking through process that results in re-committing to each other, to finding attention and support from each other rather than outside of the relationship. Sure, responsibilities still exist, but the couple does not look for support and comfort from responsibilities. They become like two peas in a pod, dedicated to each other’s personal growth and happiness, and no longer reluctant to speak up about their needs and wishes. Make sure you are dedicated and committed to each other and not just to the idea of marriage. For more on long-term commitments see  Chapter 10 of Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

 

TRUST

 How can you trust him?
You cannot. You can believe that he never again intends to stray, but you cannot trust that he will keep this commitment. Stop checking up on him. If he’s cheating, you’ll find out, no need to look. You do not have to trust your husband because you discovered an even more important trust…trust in yourself. In recovering from the affair, you learned a truth about yourself that some women can only wonder about. You found that you can trust yourself to handle whatever happens in your relationship. This deep trust in yourself is a security you can count on for the rest of your life. You will never have to wonder if you could heal from an affair. You know you can. If he cheats again, you may or may not stay with him, but you know in the deepest part off your inner self that you will cope, you will heal, and you will remain strong.

___________
 

I invite you to sign up to follow my blog by email. You’ll receive notification when a new blog is posted. Just put your email address in the space for “follow by email.” 

 ___________
For more on relationships, link to my book: Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

You’ll find tons of good information to help you Win at Love.

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B