CONTROL YOUR HALO: How to choose the right lover, friend, doctor and plumber

In the last post, I explained how the Halo Effect occurs when a potential partner has one or two important traits you value. You become so excited to find these traits that you assume the presence of other characteristics.

“He has an impressive butt and a bedazzling smile so he must also have all the other characteristics I want in a partner.”

Today, let’s straighten your halo to reveal four errors resulting in poor relationship choices. Straighten out these halo twists and you’ll find the right people for you.

THE FOUR HALO TWISTS

  1. GOOD LOOKS OR A GREAT PERSONALITY?

Which are more important—physical characteristics or personality? I know you answered personality because you strive for political correctness, but before you own that answer, ask yourself another question: Do you assume personality traits from physical attributes?

I’m sure you’ve heard some of myths about body parts and intelligence:

“If he’s good looking, he’s intelligent; but if he’s outrageously good looking, he’s shallow and stupid.”

“Gals with mammoth mammaries are not as bright as their less endowed sisters.”

“Bald men are better lovers than their head-full-of-hair-brothers.”
“Red-heads have quick tempers.”

Most say they favor personality over good looks, but research shows that attractive men and women are more frequently asked for dates than others rated as not so attractive but having a good personality. How could this be when most preferred positive personality traits over looks?

Research on this topic is clear. Attractive people are rated as smarter, healthier, more desirable, and more sociable than less attractive people.

Even breast size suggests personality traits to some. Large breasted women are rated as unintelligent, medium sized as most attractive and are liked the best, and small sized are rated as bright and modest.

2. THE DEVIL EFFECT
The devil effect is the reverse of the halo where a past negative experience clouds your perception.

“My first husband had eyes that were too close together. He turned out to be a jerk so now I have a negative feeling toward everyone I meet with close-set eyes.”

“My mother had dirty blonde hair. She’s manipulative, so I tend to be suspicious of dark blonde women.”

3. PHANTOM SKILLS

Let’s bend the halo to another perspective. Some attribute a certain skill set from a personality characteristic.

“His bedside manner is amazing so he must be the best doctor ever.”

“She’s the friendliest plumber I ever met, so she must be better than the no smile one I have now.”

“The kindergarten teacher is friendly to the parents so he must be an exceptional teacher.”

4. THE MYTH OF JUST LIKE ME

A final twist of the halo tells us that others with characteristics similar to our own must be good people. Related to this idea is the opposite attribution where we tend to be suspicious of traits we perceive as different from our own.

“She’s from a town close to my hometown in South Carolina so she must be trustworthy.”

“Because he went to the same college as me, he has to be ethical.”

“She’s from New York so she could never understand a Texan.”

TAKE A MOMENT to REMOVE YOUR ASSUMPTION FILTER

  In answering the question of Good Looks vs. Personality, think about whether you have linked physical attributes to personality. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment by assuming traits that may not be present.

 On the other hand, if you are rejecting others due to the Devil Effect, perhaps you are missing out.

 If you are assuming Phantom Skills based on personality, you may be surprised at the outcome of your surgery or your leaky sink.

 Remember those who have some Just Like Me characteristics do not automatically have the same values and interests as you do.

 Better to look at others without the assumption filter. You’ll see the real person, not someone you imagined. This is true in picking lovers, friends, plumbers and doctors.

THE HALO EFFECT: Causes Millions to Choose the Wrong Partner

From the minute Logan set eyes on Tom, his football player butt and piano keys smile drew her to him. Earlier thoughts of preferring a man who was attractive but also was thoughtful, valued family and education flew from her memory like runaway pages from a broken printer.

For you, what characteristics in a potential partner cause sparks to ignite and fan the feelings of attraction into a blaze that turns your self-awareness to ash? Although most of us have an idealized image of those special characteristics we desire in a partner, we many times fail to define the characteristics and give little thought to priorities.

Research tells us that characteristics important to both men and women are attractive build, mind of his or her own, sense of humor, of the same religion, and simple rather than sophisticated. How many of these characteristics are on your list, but escape from memory when a vivid characteristic or two leaps to the forefront?

We find more information when we break them down by sex:

Men’s Concept of the Ideal Woman:

Intelligent, good parent potential, can suffer in silence, even-tempered and calm, someone who needs you, athletic or active

Women’s Concept of the Ideal Man:

Ambitious, hard-working, intellectual, appreciates her independence, sensitive to her emotions, emotionally strong, likes art, music, books and is friendly and affectionate

Who wouldn’t fall in love with someone who meets those criteria? Regrettably, these features are idealized and unrealistic. Most men want a gal who suffers in silence and needs him, while women want a man who appreciates her independence. How many independent women will agree to suffer in silence?

What to Expect from Your Halo

How can intelligent men and women forego long held values for butts and smiles? Here’s how it works. When we see a few of the traits we crave, we call into operation The Halo Effect. In the “halo effect” we find a few traits from our ideal list and then pretend the rest are present.

If he has a tight ass and a great smile, he surely is warm, intellectual and sensitive to my emotions.

If she needs me, she must be intelligent and also willing to suffer in silence.

When we finally realize our error, we react with anger and disappointment as we watch another potential relationship circle the drain. We leave the relationship and search again.

Three tips to help you in your next dating adventure:
1. Have a clear idea of which traits are essential.
2. Avoid the Halo Effect.
3. Be open to new positive traits that are unique to that person.