Three Steps to Intimacy

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Do Your Part

  Intimacy is the love link between two people, but it is also a good deal more. If you desire a passionate and loving long-term relationship, you must do your part in contributing to the artful balance required in achieving and maintaining an intimate relationship. Let’s look at the truth about intimacy and the three requirements you must meet to get it.

Think Of Intimacy as a Three-Legged Stool

 Intimacy is defined as a non-defended and reciprocal interaction about significant emotional events. If this academic definition sits a little heavy on your brain, let’s pull up a stool and examine each leg to better understand the foundations of intimacy. When perched on your stool, you need three sturdy legs to keep you from falling. If you find yourself with one loose or missing leg, you have to spend time and energy keeping your balance.

 Relationships are the same. To prevent yourself from wobbling around and ultimately falling on your butt, you must acquire and keep in good repair, the following three legs:

        1. No Defense Required, names the first leg of your stool. In close family, friendships or romantic relationships, individuals can talk about anything without feeling defensive. No topic is out of bounds. No protection is needed. When defensive shields are lowered, positive energies flow between the two. Raised shields block the energies, stifling any hope of intimacy.

 2. Give and ­Take­, the second leg of your stool, represents a reciprocal or shared communication where each person is a full and willing participant. One person shares a personal experience or thought with emotional meaning; the other does the same. Many times the intimate communications reflect meaningful experiences shared by the two.

Give and Take easily navigates the two-way street of intimacy. If you are the only one sharing, you could be going the wrong way on a one-way street.

   3. Express Feelings, the third leg of the stool, refers to talking about emotional experiences and conversations. In short, this means sharing feelings. Communicating about feelings – not just reporting, requesting, social chit-chatting or problem-solving – is essential to achieving intimacy. When you can communicate without defensiveness, both give and take, and are willing to express your true feelings, you have tapped into your relationship potential.       _________________________

For more on relationships, link to my book: Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

You’ll find tons of good information to help you Win at Love.

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Hazards of Stuffing Feelings

Topic: venting
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Dear Dr. B,
My husband of two years holds everything in. I encouraged him to vent but… he said it’s irresponsible…. Can you tell him something positive about venting before he explodes with everything he’s been stuffing? 
Worried in Alabama

You are right to be concerned. He could explode but if he hasn’t yet, I doubt if he will. Of course, if you are a sound sleeper, he could be an axe murderer, leaving and returning in the middle of the night. Probably not but he is at risk of countless other and equally unpleasant reactions including chronic constipation, high blood pressure, depression, and even delayed ejaculation. Surprised at the delayed ejaculations? I’ve found that holding back emotional expression results in all sorts of holding back disorders. 

Tell him this:
Venting is a powerful tool used to release the pressure of scrambled thoughts and feelings. The liberation of negative energies makes room for positive connections with others by keeping your chemistry tuned and your thoughts and feelings in good order.

Many worry that they will be out of control if they vent. If this is the case, copy this previous post on venting and leave it on his nightstand. It gives step-by-step guidelines to venting.

When Husband realizes that intimacy improves when venting makes room for more intimate connections, he may take a chance.

Let me know if your sex life and his constipation improve.
Dr. B,
p.s. Chapter14 in my new book has everything he needs need to know about venting. Check it out at Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen____________________________________________________________
Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.
Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Banish Negativity: Step 1 of 3

Topic: positive communication  in relationships
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Dear Dr. B, …My negative attitude ruined my life. I can’t tell you how many lovers I lost due to my negativity.  All were negative people so I guess it didn’t matter…. I tried saying only positive things for a week but found I had nothing to say, which gave me even more time to plot imaginary revenge scenes. Please give me a way to break out of my negative habit. Cynical Chloe in New York   Chloe, Three fun, fast, and powerful suggestions will deliver you an optimistic attitude and invite positive folks into your life. If you carry out all three on a daily basis, you will revolutionize your life and transform both your romantic and friend relationships. Did I hear a “Yeah, but…?” Let that go and let’s hear “I’m so looking forward to change.” Let’s begin with Step 1.     1. You Get Back What You Give Out. Whatever you give out to the universe will eventually come back to you. You know this is true as you observe your own life and the lives of folks you know well. It happens time and time again.   “When I’m supportive, others support me.” “When I’m critical, others are critical of me.” “When I grumble and complain, the world seems to grumble and complain back at me.” “When I’m friendly, others are friendly to me.” TAKE A MOMENT… Think about what you give out, not just to individuals, but to the universe in general. What are you currently not receiving that you would like to receive? Give Step 1 a try and look for Step 2 in the next post. Working on positives is even more fun than plotting imaginary revenge scenarios.

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Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B