THE HALO EFFECT: Causes Millions to Choose the Wrong Partner

From the minute Logan set eyes on Tom, his football player butt and piano keys smile drew her to him. Earlier thoughts of preferring a man who was attractive but also was thoughtful, valued family and education flew from her memory like runaway pages from a broken printer.

For you, what characteristics in a potential partner cause sparks to ignite and fan the feelings of attraction into a blaze that turns your self-awareness to ash? Although most of us have an idealized image of those special characteristics we desire in a partner, we many times fail to define the characteristics and give little thought to priorities.

Research tells us that characteristics important to both men and women are attractive build, mind of his or her own, sense of humor, of the same religion, and simple rather than sophisticated. How many of these characteristics are on your list, but escape from memory when a vivid characteristic or two leaps to the forefront?

We find more information when we break them down by sex:

Men’s Concept of the Ideal Woman:

Intelligent, good parent potential, can suffer in silence, even-tempered and calm, someone who needs you, athletic or active

Women’s Concept of the Ideal Man:

Ambitious, hard-working, intellectual, appreciates her independence, sensitive to her emotions, emotionally strong, likes art, music, books and is friendly and affectionate

Who wouldn’t fall in love with someone who meets those criteria? Regrettably, these features are idealized and unrealistic. Most men want a gal who suffers in silence and needs him, while women want a man who appreciates her independence. How many independent women will agree to suffer in silence?

What to Expect from Your Halo

How can intelligent men and women forego long held values for butts and smiles? Here’s how it works. When we see a few of the traits we crave, we call into operation The Halo Effect. In the “halo effect” we find a few traits from our ideal list and then pretend the rest are present.

If he has a tight ass and a great smile, he surely is warm, intellectual and sensitive to my emotions.

If she needs me, she must be intelligent and also willing to suffer in silence.

When we finally realize our error, we react with anger and disappointment as we watch another potential relationship circle the drain. We leave the relationship and search again.

Three tips to help you in your next dating adventure:
1. Have a clear idea of which traits are essential.
2. Avoid the Halo Effect.
3. Be open to new positive traits that are unique to that person.

Don’t Date Unless You Can Be Yourself

Topic: dating advice
____________________________________________________________
Dear Dr.B,
I date even though it’s beating my self-respect in the dirt. I try and try and still can’t find Ms.Right. Here’s an example of what happens: I met a gal at …( a party)… she looked like good dating material so, to increase my chances, I found out what she likes to do. Good so far?

I found out that she plays a mean game of racquet ball. I never played in my life but figured I could look up the rules and fake it. I invited her to play and she agreed. After sweating the days to the match, I made a total fool of myself and wrecked my knee in the process.
 
I don’t have to tell you what happened when I met the gal from Mensa, and the one who liked men who cook. Should I just admit that I’m an uninteresting person and can only date uninteresting women?
Stale Stan

Stan,
I can see that you put the pedal to the metal in your search for Ms. Right. Alas, you are driving in the wrong direction. You must turn around right now and go in the opposite direction.

 How do you negotiate this U-turn? Look for someone who matches you and wave good bye to the belief that you need to change in order to match someone else. You want someone who is interested in the real you, not a false image designed to hopefully attract a certain type of partner.

Stan, when you mentioned the Mensa gal and the date who loved men who cooked, you reminded me of Suzanne who spread the following profiles around a popular match site: country western gal, ambitious legal professional, jet-setter, and simple God-fearing woman. Although she was attractive and great at social chit-chat, she rarely dated anyone more than three dates. Either the men realized something wasn’t quite right or she didn’t feel a connection. How could she? Like you, she never showed the real Suzanne so any connection seemed phony. Don’t ask because I will not give you her email but, because each of you is interested in a variety of activities, you two would be a good match.

If you are interested in experiencing new activities, why not look for a gal who feels the same? For example, if you’ve always wanted to ride horses, then look for someone else who “never has but would like to” try riding. If you enjoy hanging out on the couch and watching old black and white movies then own up to it and find a kindred spirit.

It’s likely that you are a “Never Have But Would Like To Person” If so, then you are one of the most interesting people on the planet. Once you admit this, you will have great dating experiences and, if you choose to marry someone like you, your relationship will always be exciting and filled with adventure. If you want long-term happiness in a relationship, hold out for someone who matches the real you.

 _____________________________________________________
Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.
Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B